Sometimes, I feel like a misfit christian. Like I’m broke. Maybe I said the prayer wrong when I was 5 years old. I didn’t get the full “Deluxe Christian Rebirth package”. Maybe I missed out on the part where I encounter God’s greatness on a daily basis. I just got the “Premium package” where I’m saved and go to heaven one day.
I know that it’s Satan that puts those thoughts in my head & I know that God is real. I’m not wondering if He hears me or is there for me or anything like that. There is nowhere I can go that Jesus won’t find me and be with me. But despite that knowledge & confidence in Jesus Christ, I still feel stagnant.
Do you ever feel that way? Like you are just still & watching life pass by? I mean you have a handle on everything. You know who you are, what you’re doing with your life, & have a hold on everything…but you don’t feel any of it. I don’t know the right word for it. It isn’t a depression or anything. It isn’t painful. You just don’t feel. You go, study, pray, worship, & seek. Everything feels like it is over before it has begun though. You’re numb & you don’t know how not to be. As a worship leader, it sucks to say that. It sucks even more to feel it.
I’m tired of it. I ache to hear God speak to me. I hurt to feel Him all around.
Psalms is FULL of scriptures about being revived and renewed. I don’t know what David was going through at the time, but he must have been stuck too. This past summer my favorite verse was Psalm 63:1. I read it over and over while I was in Honduras. When I read it then, it would make me so excited. I’ve forgotten about it though until today. It says:
“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”
It hurts to read now. Those words are a description of me. I’m not content to keep going through life having a dry relationship with God. I want a deeper one. I yearn to not feel stuck.
They are such intense, perfect statements. I want out of the weariness that is life & routine. I wanna walk into the amazing, incomprehensible water that is God and sink or swim in it. I don’t even care which one.
I don’t know if other people feel this way or if it’s bad for me to say I do. I don’t even know if I have made sense. I know I’ve let something in my life create this drought though. I don’t know what it is or when I let it happen, but I’m not going to live in it anymore. It isn’t what Jesus anticipated for our relationship when He died for me. It wasn’t his grand design for me to be an oddball & not know Him. Actually know Him.
Psalm 63:1 is my daily declaration. My flesh faints for God’s presence, my soul thirst’s for His voice, & I’m not gonna stop until I crash into Him.