I’m sorry I loved you. I apologize I was more attached. I regret being the one that put more on the line. Its not your fault you didn’t love me back. It’s nobody’s mistake but mine. Don’t worry though. You’ll never know. You can go about life never aware of my regard.
You weren’t my first letdown. That belongs to my childhood partner in crime. We talked of being princesses, playing pretend all our days, and she held the label of BFF. Grown ups encourage you to make friends as a kid. No one stops you to whisper the secret that those friends might outgrow you. Which she did. So I broke my own heart for the first time.
It’s my everyday. Everyone I meet I hope to make happy. It’s not being friendly. That’s just a characteristic. It’s a lifestyle of being openhearted. It’s lonely. To live in the neighborhood of the unspoken, “It’s not you it’s me”. To constantly feel as though you care more deeply than others. To live on the unreciprocated side of the street. I inevitably buckled to the insecurities these feelings left behind. I allowed them to create a sense of worthlessness.
You can have a supportive family and still feel insignificant. You can have great parents and still feel unaccepted. So I would write letters to those I wasn’t accepted by on my arms. Hoping that maybe my ache to love would be heard. That wasn’t right, but I continued to send messages. So I would write my pleas. No one aware that I wore them under my sleeves.
You can say I was longing for attention. That wasn’t it though. It’s a concealed truth that only those who share it will understand. I just wanted someone to love. That would know how much I love them and maybe, hopefully, sorta, kinda love me that much too.
I never looked to the person I was meant to love completely. I failed at stepping back from failing human relationships, closing my eyes, and taking to heart words I claimed to know:
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
It made me ashamed. It still does. How I pushed Him aside. How I placed higher value on the depth of other’s affection for me, than my God’s. That I spent years being a sappy teenager that thought there was only acceptance found in friends. Friends and girls who prefer cliques and the thin, pretty crowd. That I never saw beyond, what was then, the now.
Maybe you constantly ache for love too.
This transparency isn’t for pity or concern. It’s to send you the beautiful message of how much you matter. He first loved you. Before anyone else ever thought of you. He loved you enough to to create you, created you knowing your mistakes to come, & wants you despite not needing you. He created you with a story and your story is amazingly important.
You are worthy of love. Despite any feeling of worthlessness or unimportance, you are accepted. Accepted by a God who created you because He knew you would be kick-ass awesome! Nothing you’ve done or been can alter that. Neither height nor depth nor anything in all of creation.
So I’m sorry I loved you more. More than I loved Him. I apologize for being more attached than I ought to have been. But I hope you take to heart, He loves you immeasurably more than anyone ever could.